the lights are going out

It's that time in the evening when it isn't... by that I mean it is already early the next morning.
So far nothing has happened, but a lot is about to change.

Yes, that could mean many things, but for one, it was almost the fact that the computer was about to be sent to sleep, because my foot somehow kicked at the cable. I heard the 'frizzy' sound of the light, but luckily nothing more happened.

But it is a surprise I am still sitting at the computer, with no more constructive signs to show for my hours of whittling away the time in front of this monitor. I now realise that I would be a dreadful candidate for taking over the world (if ever there were a TV show, 'Who wants to be a World Dictator', I feel I would be eliminated in the first round. I have the conviction and believe I could be the best man, sorry, person, for the job, however, I feel I lack the willpower to get to bed at the appropriate time, so as to wake up fresh and rejuvenated the next morning ready to tackle the problems of making life more pleasant for the 7 or so billion people who look to me for inspiration.
So, I have crossed World Leader off the to-do list.

While I'm at it, I believe I should be honest and knock off Spiritual Guru too. Sitting around doing nothing doesn't cut it for serious contemplation points, I believe. Unless of course... and here I digress to explore the possibilities of starting an internet spiritual community. Sounds spooky, doesn't it. O well, maybe this is what humour is aimed at - the region in people's beings that longs to be part of some acceptable, no judgement laden sense of belonging to a wider community.

I am touching on the idea of community because I have been disturbed by the killings of young people by young people, the most recent being in Willenden in Germany. It must most certainly be the case that these youngsters do feel totally disconnected from family, community and reality. But working with kids you get the feeling that there are so many pressures that they are going through. It is sad though, that there is a serious lack in communication. As much as I value the contribution of technology to the advancement of society, I would like to say that I do believe our modern societies are seeing much more dysfunctional and disconnected individuals being produced, because there are no longer the people or communities on hand to physically be present for their upbringing. I know it is really cool that we can update our moods, hunger pangs, new acquisitions or even happy feelings at any time of the day... but so much of this new hyper connectivity, is causing a new hyper dis-connectivity for the presently developing generation who don't get enough time being around people - just being people.

I say this because I am working in the Education Sphere, and my main activity is to prove that I am effective at keeping myself occupied for as much time as possible. Thus, my responsibility is to perform all sorts of important and highly relevant tasks ceaselessly.
What's worse, I know parents are having to work longer or harder... and just don't have the time to be with their families. What are communities, anyway? Real communities.

OK, back to this morning. Yes, it most certainly is time to throw in the towel. I am sure there will be more to share with the world, yes, to which you too most critically belong, and the time will come for me to share more humble thoughts of how to add a smile to people's dials.

Sleep peacefully

J

Is my brain turning to mush, or am I only dreaming... do you feel the same?

I've been moping for a day. I can't get out of first gear on my Saturday. I've come off surviving a seriously stressful week at school, and I would just love to get on with some planning and some necessary marking, but I can't engage past first gear.

I know writers have blocks... but I've had a collision - though to be fair I didn't walk into it, gravity allowed the cascading bricks to topple completely all over me. Yes, pinned down under what could quite easily be a ton of hardened earth. And I am also feeling a few twitches in my body.

I hope this state of feeling slightly more than mentally bogged down isn't causing physical manifestation too. There goes that twitch in the neck again. And why is my shoulder throbbing?

So I have decided that rather than just feeling desolate... I'd get creative and get blogging.
That you world, for being my therapist.
I have been think lots today about me 'existentialness'... what my purpose is for being here and how I am coming round to grasping it. Well at least I feel that it is in arms reach.

However, it seem to have poisened all the motivation I had this morning. I have this theory that philosophical types doen't make such great systematic teachers! Well, at least this one doesn't.
I am too easily distracted during repetitive tasks, and crave the chance to be thinking and being actively engaged.

I would love to analyse what part of me it is that causes this: Chemical imbalances in the brain (for example, testosterone?), my upbringing (the many locations I called home), or the lack of a clear vision for my career ( yes, I am a teacher, but this is so problematic, because it has always been shrouded in a romanitc and metaphysical bubble, despite all the efforts reality has taken to burst it with the sense of formality and conformity).

The bottom line is, I have always been much better at asking the questions than answering them. And a good number of those questions have been self-reflesive, attemtping to improve my situation, improve my outlook on the situation, and ultimately prove to myself that I can find the way to move forward.